accidental goddess

Hang out with me for any length of time and you will hear me repeat my many mantras. A frequent one is: I have too many gardens for a single woman with a social life. It’s become a problem.  While I do love gardening—I truly enjoy both the process and the result—it seems to have taken over my life and my yard. Ornamental trees, shrubs, flowers, ground cover, herbs, vegetables, a water garden, grass, and weeds; they are all there. And, as I (gracefully) age, I find gardening requires more Advil and leaves me with less energy for other pursuits. I truly regret it when I am too tired for dancing…but is having a meaningful conversation after dinner considered a pursuit? How about staying awake past 8 PM?

I have known (and complained) about this problem (or addiction) for a while now, and my plan has been to downsize, minimize, or whatever it is one does to make this hobby less all-consuming. Every spring I promise myself I will do something about it…and, as you guessed, I never do anything to improve my dilemma. In fact, I always seem to make it worse. Some suggestions I’ve rejected have included:

• Hire someone to do the gardening for me, knowing I could never resist the urge to keep propagating and find opportunities to get my hands and shovels into my own dirt.
• Sell the house I love and move into a condo so I would no longer have my own garden.  Yet any decks, balconies, and common areas would always seduce me. Even worse, I’ve heard that some condos have community gardens!

Instead, I’ve come to the conclusion that, in order to stay in my house and curb my obsession, I need help—maybe from a higher power—and I have been seriously thinking about 12-step programs.

Can gardening be an addiction?

You might wonder if gardening can really be an addiction. Honestly, I think so.

• I can’t walk to the mailbox without stopping to pull a weed (or 20), or deadhead a plant, or just move a decorative rock without getting hooked. I might find myself still at it 2-3 hours later, maybe still in my PJs. By comparison: If I see a spill on my kitchen floor, I will stop to wipe it up, but I doubt if I’d still be cleaning for an extended period of time.
• I can’t throw away anything green. When I weed or trim my plants, I save every little sprig or branch and rescue them. Sadly, this extends to my kitchen. Pineapple tops? Avocado pits? Lettuce cores? Guilty as charged. No room in the flower bed? Put it in a pot. No roots? Put it in a jar of water.
• I don’t need a nursery (the equivalent of a dispensary) because I can find my “dealers” everywhere.  Home Depot, Lowe’s, Walmart, most grocery stores…they all lie in wait. Neighbors offer me cuttings from their bounty. People bring me plants as gifts. Temptation beckons at every turn.

No help is currently available

I recently did an internet search for “Gardeners Anonymous” and all I saw were memes, lush Instagram pictures, blogs, and websites designed to entertain and enable. Very different from other self-help programs, they describe the symptoms with an amused attitude and don’t offer a cure.  Here are some examples:

Signs of Obsession: Twenty Questions for Gardeners mentions several things I can relate to, like taking pride in your compost pile and gardening beyond your own property lines, but their offer to join their chapter of Gardeners Anonymous is just a smirky punchline.

Plant Addicts asks you to decide if you are a plant addict with a list of admissions (to which I mostly answered yes) and then it offers free landscaping advice and plant sales.

Gardeners Anonymous warns  “No one is born a crazy gardener. It creeps up on you.” It goes on to describe how this can happen, and then dismisses it with “There is no cure for crazy gardening, so just enjoy the ride.”

What to do?

Does any of this sound familiar? If so, do you agree we might need an organized program?  If you also feel powerless over gardening and want to get control of your life, you need to accept the fact that people with this addiction are currently on their own. We will need join forces to start our own support group, our own “Gardeners Anonymous”, and brainstorm ideas. I suggest that we first meet online, get to know each other, gauge our commitment. This will also ensure that no one shows up with something in a pot or jar of water!  Don’t wait. Call 1-800-NOGREEN and leave a message with your best times and dates!

One Day At a Time = One Less Plant At a Time